I Puke, You Lose

Bonjour, seƱoritas und herren, welcome to my ridiculous little food critic experiment. Let the show begin.

I’ve lived in Chicago all my life, and it’s the home to the best and worst of food in the United States. Thick slices of fried cheese we call “pizza” for some reason. Greasy suicide bullets we call “Italian beef” for some reason. And some of the greatest hot dogs known to mankind, just don’t put ketchup on them or the jerk next to you is going to get his panties in a wad over empty tradition. Fuck you, I will have ketchup on my hot dog if I damn well please, go back to killing yourself with that fried giardiniera or whatever it is you’re eating.

I don’t fancy myself the ultimate food guy. But I know more than a thing or two about who sucks and who anti-sucks as a provider of food.

This blog was untimely rip’d from the womb of the interwebs so that Macfoodth cannot kill it with beating around the bush and Birnam wood comes to Dunsinane…. and whatnot. It is to represent the voice of the angry and hungry Chicagoan who believes that great-tasting restaurants are not only a damn good thing, but an inalienable right to every city. (Maybe not Milwaukee, it’s full of jerks.)

Remember the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld? Think of me as his evil twin. Instead of the bitchy restaurant manager that kicks you out unless you’re perfect, I’m the bitchy customer that calls you out unless you’re fantastic. The customer may not be always right, but dammit, we’re handing you the money and we’re all hungry bastards like me in our own right.

Too harsh? Perhaps. But I’m not Simon Cowell. (He’s a jerk who hires child labor for the dandruff mine in his chest hair.) I’m not out to destroy your reputation, anonymous Mr. Manager. Every restaurant has its good and bad qualities. Even the lauded Billy Goat Tavern has a shitty bathroom. Even the fruit cart in Logan Square that gives you a tapeworm has friendly service. I’m just here to tell it like it is, so that the public can avoid the crappiest and enjoy the anti-crappiest of what Chicago has to offer.

So customers – prepare to be pointed to the awesomest of Chicago food. And managers – watch your step.

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