Chicago Bagel Authority – Shut up and get in my mouth

It's better than Einstein Bros.

955 W. Belmont


Sorry about the slow update, the hungry bastard was in Portland.


Comrades, I’m not gonna lie: Einsten Bros. Bagels sucks. Literally every time I’ve gone in there, I’ve had a problem with my order, or the guy in front of me has. Like, literally, I ask for the ham sandwich that they advertised in the window. The lady acts like I’m speaking Aramaic and I want filet mignon. “So, you want just ham… and cheese… on a bagel?” No, I want an atomic bomb between two slices of Wonderbread. OF COURSE I WANT THAT SANDWICH. YOU ADVERTISED IT. IT’S NOT HARD.

Ah. Now that I’ve punched a few tigers at Lincoln Park Zoo and lost a few fingers, I feel much better. Let’s get on to a place right across the street from the place that feels the need to equate themselves with a scientific genius, when in reality they’re better off calling themselves Tycho Brahe Bros., because he was a disgusting weirdo scientist who lost his nose because he could.

Tycho the fake-nosed Brahe / had a very metal nose / and if you ever saw it / you would be dead by now

Let’s focus on Chicago Bagel Authority. They have over eighty varieties of sandwiches. That’s more than Baskin-Robbins and their supposed collection of ice cream. In fact, more than twice as much. My favorite is the Reuben. Unlike Philly’s Best down the street, these guys get the Reuben right. Just the right amount of artery blockage balanced with taste!

And the service is full of hot women. I probably shouldn’t talk about that because this is a food review, and chicks are not food unless your last name is Lecter, but this place is especially nice for its babes. Excellent work, Human Resources. I was looking for a place where cute girls serve you, but it’s not in a forced, incredibly awkward manner like Hooters or something. That place gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Aside from the hotness, the service is friendly as well. So don’t get me wrong, the guys are cool too. I know one of them from high school. But fuck nepotism, because I don’t remember much about him until now.

Their near-centennial variety of sandwiches can be hard to comprehend, so take your time with the menu, they won’t kick your ass. The only negative point I have is that all these sandwiches are cooked via steaming – the result is next to no crunchiness. But they’re still great.


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