Forever Yogurt Red Line – Serve Yo Own Damn Self Mofo!

Concept art of the Red Line location

931 West Belmont


When I go in and I go to the register to order my frozen yogurt, I’m doing it wrong and I’m a terrible person please someone kill me oh my God, I’ve got ugly all over my eyes. But thankfully the staff is very friendly about my status as a blight upon the living. Turns out I have to yank the lever on my own (oh shut up) and top the frozen yogurt all by myself. Because that’s what real Forever Yogurt customers do.

So comrades, does it sound like a recipe for disaster, or a recipe for chaos? I’ll give you a hint: chaos and disaster mean the same thing in this context.

Well, not really. I’ve been in Forever Yogurt Red Line several times, and I have never seen yet someone:

  • Licking the cake batter yogurt straight from the dispenser like a guinea pig
  • Poisoning the nozzles with something hard to pronounce
  • Trying to fill a water cooler bottle with every flavor to save it for when the Weasel King comes and destroys Chicago
  • Having a terrorist nose that sneezes all over the nozzles
  • Combining the cookies & cream with the plain tart, and causing a massive explosion in the process

I’m sure that the folks in the Wicker Park location have their own self-serve horror stories. But with a cop car directly outside at all times for the CTA, I’m sure if anyone’s asked to leave, it will be less of a question and more of an implied “yes.”

As for the froyo itself, I figure the best way to judge any frozen confection dealer is by their vanilla – because if you screw up the most basic flavor, then why are you in this business? It’s damn good vanilla, although usually they only have the French vanilla as opposed to the regular (but let’s not be too picky, Dave).

Sure, the decor might be a little overwhelming (subway trains do not dispense frozen yogurt. If you try attain froyo in this manner in real life you will die violently, and not by my hand for a change) and they might play the music a little loud. But dammit, this place is far better than that Tang Cups joint just down the street (yogurt cheescake? Really now, make up your mind), it even beats my previous dive, the Yogen Früz whatchamacallit (please stop compromising taste for health), and certainly it’s better than the Baskin-Robbins/Dunkin’ Donuts (does anyone even use the BR register, or is it just the DD?). All of these restaurants are on the same block. Wrap your head around that. But Forever Yogurt is THE place to go between Sheffield and Clark on Belmont.

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